Recently, I had a thinking partnership session with an amazing female professional. These are sessions where two people take turns thinking and listening and through generative attention and questioning they aim to uncover assumptions and produce breakthrough, independent thinking.
My thinking partner was rightly tired because of all her work and family demands. Still, she kept denying herself the pleasure of simple things like reading a couple of pages from a novel or going to a Pilates class.
The reason? She felt guilty for doing so. Like she was “stealing” time she owed to her family.
About halfway into the session, she attempted to persuade herself of the perks of taking some minutes for self-care by repeating the legendary wellness mantra “Put the oxygen mask on before helping others” — that ingrained belief that even when women take time for themselves, it needs to be in preparation to benefit someone else.
However, the trope wasn’t working. Each time she’d try to convince herself that her loved ones would reap the perks of her self-care, guilt crept up and she would go back to her initial thinking that it was impossible to integrate self-care, work, and family.
That involuntary and repetitive act of self-harm in a person otherwise resilient and brave made me realize that her brain was not in the driving seat.
Who then? Patriarchy.
Patriarchy and Self-care
Article 24: Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.
Universal Declaration of Human Rights
Rest and leisure are human rights, still, often are marketed as a luxury.
To counter the guilt associated with the patriarchal oxymoron “women’s recreation,” the female self-care industry has adopted the slogan “Put your mask on so you help others” as a rallying cry under the pretense that it’s “empowering” and “feminist”.
Believe me, it’s all the opposite — a reboot of old patriarchy.
Under the hood, this mantra is yet another way to objectify women, telling them that they must be healthy as they are a conduit for others’ well-being. In other words, they are cogs that need to be oiled so that the machine — society — can run.
Going back to my thinking partner, instead of reassuring her that going to Pilates would result in better outcomes for her family or exploring how she could feel more comfortable with her “self-care” guilt, I challenged her assumptions
“What if instead of ‘I need to take care of myself because I can help others,’ you’d think ‘I need to take care of myself because I deserve it?’”
She looked at me blankly and then told me that she couldn’t even think of that possibility.
WOW.
Regenerating Patriarchal Minds
Unfortunately, it’s not only my thinking partner who unconsciously has been indoctrinated on the dogma of self-care as an undercover misogyny tool.
We see it everywhere, and the connotation is so positive that even women who think are beyond sexism’s claws are seduced by it.
That’s how deep patriarchy runs in our heads. We’re like the fish that doesn’t see the water.
I’m challenging you now as I challenged her
What if instead of thinking, “I must put my oxygen mask first so I can help others” you’d believe “I need to take care of myself because I’m human?”
And there are many other alternatives. Let’s try some:
I need to take care of myself because…
- I’m worth it
- I need it
- I choose to
- I enjoy it
- I want it
- I don’t need permission
- I don’t own anything to anybody
- My life is precious
It does feel good, doesn’t it?
Challenging Patriarchy One Thought At A Time
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
Let’s change the patriarchal chip about women’s “usefulness” and challenge the status quo.
The work begins in our brains.
Who would you be if:
- Sexism wasn’t wearing you down with guilt and shame?
- Misogyny wouldn’t prompt you to justify your own self-care to yourself?
- Patriarchy wasn’t sabotaging your ambitions?
Book a free consultation to have a peek at how your patriarchy is sabotaging your brain against yourself.
Hi Patricia,
That’s a very interesting article again! Imo, it’s patriarchy and capitalism hand in hand. People are asked to be productive and every activity must have some value to be justified.
But I believe that women would place themselves after the needs of others, more than a man would. I would like to know where men and women place the needle for “doing something for myself” on a scale of others’ needs. I believe that in average women would place theirs well after everyone’s, and after they feel the harm of caring for others. But when does this start? From childhood?
Is it the “modesty” we push more on girls than boys (not to brag, not to be proud, not to appear threatening by your strength/intelligence) that teaches us to not believe that we matter as much?
Hi Elise,
I’m delighted that the article resonated with you.
I fully agree that this issue is at the core of the intersection of patriarchy and capitalism.
I also concur that women “learn” to put themselves after everybody else. I remember being a child and seeing women in my family “reserve” the juiciest or best parts of meat for their partners – never once prioritisng themselves.
I see modesty as one of tools to enforce this belief that women are second level – or third or fourth, because there are children and family – in the human hierarchy.
Unfortunately, its not the only one. through coaching and mentoring women for 20+ years – and my own experience as woman and tech worker – I’ve seen many other tools that enforce this belief that we’re here to serve others. A couple of examples below
– The “obligation” to be collaborative: https://patriciagestoso.com/2023/12/11/myth-busting-womens-careers-the-truth-about-collaboration-and-empathy/
– The owners of “office housework”: https://patriciagestoso.com/2018/07/14/how-to-say-no-to-office-housework/
– The reinforcement that our time is now valuable: https://patriciagestoso.com/2023/06/18/patriarchy-women-unpaid-work/
– Weaponised incompetence: https://patriciagestoso.com/2023/05/01/weaponised-incompetence-at-work/
And the list goes on.